from the wired archives

Gag Order

Sometimes you just can't win. A Florida man was convicted of fatally beating a retired banker with a fire poker, even though another man confessed to the crime. Richard England, 32, repeatedly said, "I didn't do it," during his sentencing hearing Thursday until the judge, exasperated with the outbursts, ordered his mouth taped shut with duct tape for the closing arguments. "The judge had warned him and warned him," said the assistant state attorney. "It needed to be done. It was absolutely necessary." But a veteran criminal-defense lawyer disapproved of the order, saying, "Not only are you demeaning the process, you are minimizing this person and this person's life. It's animal-like to tape his mouth shut so he can't speak." England may face the death penalty.

Err...

Morning

another pearler from Gaiman's blog, a song from Eric Idle titled "Fuck you very much" Which I had thought would be from old Python stock, but half way through you realise he's talking about Bush the Younger...

The cat (guess which one...) caught a bug out on the balcony this morning and started foaming at the mouth (not good, needless to say) we got dressed and were about to shove him in a box and rush him to the vets when we noticed that he had calmed right down and moved beck over to the balcony doors to try and get back to the bug, who was still on the balcony. Stupid fuck.

Off to HMV today, curent record list as follows (in no particular order);

The Future sounds of Jazz (9 volumes)
Lamb
Crystal Method - Born too slow
Libertines - Up The Bracket / Dont Look Back Into The Sun
The Streets
Lunge
Ron Sexsmith - Retriever
Great Lake Swimmers
Jolie Holland - Escondida
Joanna Newsom - The Milk Eyed Mender
Fennez - Venice
Hot Chip - Coming on Strong
Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
Devendra Banhart - Celebrating the heart
Air - Talkie Walkie
Pj Harvey - Uh Huh Her
Ash - Meltdown
Tiesto - Just Be
Alanis Morissette - So Called Chaos
Hope Of The States - Lost Riots
Prodigy - Always Outnumbered Never Outgunned (Release date: 16-8-2004)
Graham Coxon - Happiness In Magazines
Muse - Absolution
Primal Scream - Shoot Speed: More Dirty Hits

Dependant on how many of these we pick up, may have another crack at the DVDs

Spirited Away
Bottle Rocket
People I know
Blow up
Nil By Mouth
Blue Velvet

Any additional recommendations would be greatfully received. Much of the album stuff (the second half of the list) came from Q-online, but they don't really post reviews 'cause they sell albums, so there's a lot of unknowns there. Excited by news of a new Prodigy album, though.

Off to Smack my Bitch up

afternoon

I was wide awake at 3am this morning with nothing better to do that fuck around on the net

so I went surfing for an hour or so. Funny that more seems to be available at 3am HK time than at 8. Perhaps some parallel universe thing or what.

I have always been a great fan of Science Fiction, as most of you know and several of you make fun of. SF is often considered forward thinking and predictive, but I never would have though to hear this term be used about the movie Face Off. Seems I was wrong... This story in the guardian is an interactive flash thingy about how they plan to shave some dead bloke's face off (geddit?) and plant it on someone else's mush. Obviously this is all in the aid of some poor sod who has suffered horrid burns and deserves a new face, but what about when some crim like Nicholas Cage decides he wants one? No thank you very much, get yer own gob's what I say.

Other monsters and my pals (they're not really, but I like to think of them as such 'cause they're more popular than me) at Gadget Madness have an article about an upcoming Godzilla movie. This seems to be the final Japanese Godzilla and will involve all of the previoous Gozillii (?) going on a Karaoke tour of Tokyo and then flattening the place before turning their stomach's inside out (fuck you, starfish) all over Tokyo Disney. Top

Also this rather amusing ad sort of for Kill Bill but Actually... well just watch it.

Gizmodo had an article on a challenge put forward by some bloke in the UK to furniture designers to design a chair that could fit in a DHL box. Doesn't sound funny? well the video of the judges trying to put these works of art together certainly has its moments. a 50 meg download though, so not for the narrow of band.

this site from some bloke called Isamu Sawada has lots of groovy derivative designs of ipods, powerbooks, palm pilots and other mixed techno geekery. A sort of Parallel universe of gadgets. Most gratifying (in an only faintly masturbatory sort of way.)

Next up this interactive map of Springfield. Well, I like the Simpsons, but would I watch and rewatch sufficient times to map out Homer's whole world? Well, maybe if it was Mecha-Homer...


Finally, but definitely most impressively, this BBC story titled Wi-fi lifeline for Nepal's farmers. Essentially, this local bloke in Nepal decides he wants an internet connection. Says it's for education, but probably for looking at porn. Problem is there's no phone lines within a gazzillion kilometers of his village and sat links cost too many yaks.

7 years of mucking about and trying different things (including, it would seem; the help of several passing student lamo type computer geeks out "finding themselves" in Nepal. Wankers) and he's got a wireless network to challenge NORAD



"Yak farmers are using the network to buy and sell livestock, and exchange vetinerary tips," said Mr Pun.



"They can send message via e-mail and also they can do it through NetMeeting video conferencing software, so they can also talk."

Yeah, whatever; you got a better view but mine's still faster and you live halfway up a hill freezing your nuts off most of the year. Jealous, me? No WAY.

Sod off

Out

Post #101 and proof that there are more than 4 of you

At the risk of starting a bidding war for photos of my sack, I wanted to highlight this comment that was posted by Joolz a few short hours ago.


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I have kept the infamous 'bombers sac' photos kept very safe offers accepted for copies. With regard to my husbands wanking face photos i don't recall seeing these (the photos that is).
Do i count as number 4 or 5? though not a regular reader, i thought I'd pop by whilst on a dull night shift all the patients are boring except the screaming vomiting banshee in bed 5 who is keeping me amused!
Joolz | Email | 27.05.04 - 12:08 pm | #

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Joolz, send them in, I'll print them (honest...)

Still in search of wnking face photos (thanks for clarifying Joolz, yes, it's photos, not memories that we're after) ...ooh... a chill just ran down my spine...

Bomber out

Hello all

Snapple "Real Fact" No. 117

The starfish is the only animal that can tun its stomach inside out

Not True; I, and I suspect the 4 others who read this site, have turned my whole digestive tract inside out on several occasions. I have also witnessed the Ginger Jabba doing this whilst reciting the Lord of the rings. In character.

Feel clever now mr "I can do somthing you can't" starfish?

No, didn't think so

Got sucked into HMV yesterday to get a copy of UnCut mag. This is a preliminary stage in preparations for mine and Bubble's bi-annual trip into record shopping heaven. Other stages include

Read UnCut back to front and make list of good sounding albums / movies and the like
Amalgamate this with list that has been growing in notebook fro last 3 months of music recommended by mates / heard on radio etc
Making sure credit card is clear of debt to avoid embarassing blubbing at checkout, followed by being escorted from the building by Bubble 'cause I can't see for all the salt in my eyes etc (not pretty)
Enter HMV 10am Sunday, list in hand
Collect all available items on list
Gloat smugly about any that HMV don't stock ("oh, this store is just so mainstream" etc etc)
Look whistfuly at PS2 games selection, briefly consider buying a US PS2 so I can more easily shop for games.
Get "The Look" from Bubble
Carry Jenga like tower of CDs over to listening station and check out any "not sure" selections
Move Jenga tower over to check-out
Pass over credit card, avoiding making eye contact with the number that's blinking in the check-out's LED eye.
Bag swag and shuffle home
Strategise paying off credit card

So, Phase 1 is all about research, no purchases planned here, no sir. Which is all well and good, but to get to the Mags you have to walk past the DVDs and I got a little stuck. 1/2 an hour later;

Spiderman
Miller's crossing
5th element
Nikita
Tres something something (french animated movie about the Tour de France, or something, recommended by AICN
Irreversible. French. Said "an unstopable combination of sex and violence" on the front so I thought worth a spin

So now I need to add the Pre purchase DVD grab to my itinerary. It's getting complicated.

Must dash

out

Morning

It's a holiday here today (buddas B'day) so we're off shopping. Apparantly it's traditional to do so on the anniversary of the birth of the Enlightened One and I'm not complaining. Yesterday was toss because;

1. 3 trucks failed to turn up on site at 9am but instead moseyed in at 5pm.
2. a supplier of mine decided that he needs an extra month to produce something.
3. Another supplier (and a real Alpha) spent all afternoon avoiding my phne calls in a really obvious manner
4. I forgot to take my pills

I was Mr Angry. On arrival home I was summarrily sent forth to buy coffee and rent a video. Bloody cheek.

Evening saved by excellent meal cooked by Bubble and Those that Bore the Bomber.

The the movie. Suffice to say my parents thought it wierd; always a good start. Bubble got the hump because I was more interested in the movie than in arguing with her about time off work and I was in fits throughout the whole thing (except the moments when I was arguing with bubble, of course.) The movie is called Bubba Ho-Tep and leads with Bruce Campbell playing an elderly and decrepid Elvis with an undefined growth on his "pekker." Need I say more? Oh yes; and there's a zombie in it. Bloody brilliant.



Apparantly the jewel in this movie is a full length voice-over commentary by Bruce, in character as The King. Planning to watch the commentary version this afternoon but as no-one else enjoyed the movie, I might have to wait till Bubble goes on her summer travels and re-rent it. Amazon describes it as a geriatrics-fight-Egyptian-cowboy-zombie movie. Who could resist?

Thanyouvrymuch (through curled lip)

Illegal competents

During our long and arduouis business Day, Dave pointed out to me that he; read in the Guardian that all Photographs and videos have been ruled as potential evidence in possible criminal proceedings and as such can no longer be printed by the media.

I couldn't actually find the article in question but it being reported in the press that photos and videos are being suppressed will do them no favors in Eastern eyes, whatever reasons they give.

I did read a very interesting article in Newsweek that chronicles the run up to the USGovt's definition of "unlawful combatants"; more obvious jargon for we'll do what we want and make the reason up later. Seems that there is a provision in the Geneva Conventions to hold individuals or groups "exempt" from it's protections / clauses but that this requires the "decision of a competent tribunal" which never took place. Obviously it couldn't take place, as this would require the existence of competents who agree with GWB and mr Duck. As if to underliune this, the Guardian does have an article with the wonderful title US intelligence fears Iran duped hawks into Iraq war

Mr Duck was reported as complaining "but mummy; the nasty man with the rag on his head told me to do it"

Uh huh

NEWS FLASH

This in from our Taipei correspondent. We'll print anything, us...

News from the World of Science

A university scientist has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric in cold weather.

After the news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men and had the living shit kicked out of him.

out

More proof that "if it moans, it leads"

This week's most viewed Guardian story; Cannes screening for most sexually explicit British film outstrips US guards 'filmed beatings' at terror camp 291,688 to 126,041 with the teaching of oral sex to teenagers dropping 2 places but still going strong at No. 3 (112,045)

The movie is notable for its use of unsimulated sex (that is to say; sex) and apparantly;

revolves around a young couple in London, Matt and his American girlfriend Lisa. The sex scenes, which occupy more than half of the film, are intercut with scenes of bands playing, including Franz Ferdinand, the Dandy Warhols, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Super Furry Animals. The story is framed by shots of Matt flying over the desolate plains of Antarctica, as he remembers the relationship from afar.

Demonstrating that in post relationship flashbacks, girls remember dinner parties and flowers and guys remember getting their rocks off.

The feamale lay ..errr lead in the movie is apparently not an actress and has asked not to be credited in the film. She's going back to university and wants to earn the stigma of shagging first years in the dorm bogs on her own time. Probably. I believe the bloke has asked that his name appear twice in the credits (obviously a space needed to be filled) and he has decided to go to university as well. Even though he's already been once.

2nd story some rot about yanks being nasty to iraqis. Or something. Not important.

Horror in France, when their concrete turd collapses. Only lucky some Air france plane wasn't disembarking at the time. I suppose. Worried in the office 'cause it was our facade...

Also heard from wired that Microsoft have reduced the Iliad to 24 words (plus emoticons) to market their new messaging product, or something. I have been searching for the whole work but have so far only managed to track down the plain text.

Agamemnon hd a dream: Troy not defended. Ordered attack! But Trojans knew they were coming n were prepared. Achilles sat sulking in his tent

Still looking for the emoticon loaded version, which will probably include all sorts of extras including interviews with the author, known to his peers as small green toothy smiley guy. Probably.

Out

morning

I was going to post this link to a story of a woman who rides her motorbike solo through the abandoned wasteland of Chenobyl. I was pointed to the site a month or so ago and had planned to put it on the blog this week. However, when I checked neil Gaiman's site this morning, I found a report that it was 80% bullshit. Turns out that she was;

1. with her husband and a guide
2. in a car (she carried the m/bike helmet)
3. on an official tour

Also, claims that several of the (very good) photographs were staged. Interesting, then, that when the news broke on the Urban Exploration Resource site the main concern seemed to be the revelation that this Ukranian beauty is married. As one correspondent put it;

in terms of thought here is how my process ran:

1. Absorb story.
2. Decide if I would or wouldn't.
2. Wipe hands on pants.

This site (UER) is dedicated to people who go exploring tunnels and urban wastelands, abandoned buildings etc and then write about them. I will spend some time here when I have some.

Just had a look through the Ghost town website again and, true or not, it's still haunting and well worth the look. The whole "my dad's a scientist who got me the pass" thing does add a bit of mystery but strip that away and you still have a very interesting travelogue.

Gadget phreakery and this site has a list of planned PSP games. Notable inclusions; GT4, Metal Gear Acid. Notable absences; GTA, Bikini beach volleyball. Screen shots of MGA make it look better than PS1 and almost as good as PS2, which is too good to be true, frankly. Still going to get one.

Out