I ain't no stinkin' chav

I is Gangsta m'fo




I am really shit at this game. But it is disturbingly addictive and superbly sweary, so maybe if I play it enough I'll get better.

Later Dawg; this nigger's gotta go put a cap in some other nigger's motherfukin black ass

or something

Forgot Burnout3. Doh!

OG Bomber out. Yo.

Got Milk?

Just finished the marathon return trip from Canadia, made consrably more palatable by having the TO London leg in 1st and upgrading myself on the Paris HKG one. Oh, I am getting used to this…

Best thing about First? is it the vintage wine? Is it the fully flat bed? The 1 to 2 trolley dolly ratio? The free Jimjams? The (effectively) unlimited hand luggage? I really don’t know. Actually If I had to choose one it would be the bed, although being stopped in Heathrow with 30kg of hand luggage (1/2 case of wine I really didn’t want to check in) by some jobsworth who thought “I’ve got one ‘ere, cheeky sod” and then being ushered hurriedly but politely on my way to seat 1A was nice.

I think they give 1st class newbies “the big seat” (1A) cause that’s what I got both ways. On the way out it was a 747 and 1A sits right behind the nose cone. This meant that I had two forward viewing port holes and a rather discomforting realization that all of the violence outside, that I had previously thought of as rushing past me, was all of a sudden running towards me. 777 on the way back, so a more traditional seating arrangement.

I did find the 1st class lounge a little uncomfortable; it reminded me of our trip to Samui with the Smudgers and Elv after Simon’s wedding. We took a trip up the hill to Le Meridian, to see how the other half live and my God, what a place. But ½ an hour in the bar told me that I would never want to stay there because, as beautiful as the location was and as super as the staff were, you’d have to put up with the idiots who stay in these places. Put it this way; how big a pickle would you need up your arse to afford a 500+++ USD/night hotel in Thailand for anything except a honeymoon? Exactly.

From Paris to Hong Kong and the movies (including The Forgotten and Garden State), belying the promising line-up in the magazine, was the same as the way out (including Princess Diaries 2 and Shark Tale as their “Premiere!” selection). I was left with few choices, especially as the Nintendo DS had not yet hit the shelves in Canadia and I had just killed Diablo (and with it, my laptop battery). I thought I’d give Catwoman a go, mostly in the vain hope that Halle Berry might get them out again, in a repeat of Dave’s “Best Gratuitous Getting Them Out of All Time” nomination for Swordfish. Of course I expected no plot, neither did I want one.

One out of two wasn’t bad, I suppose.

I could warn you of spoilers to follow, but it really would be superfluous; there’s this woman, she’s sort of a cat, in some tidy leather gear... err ... and that's it. Nothing you couldn’t get from the movie poster.

So, a la Batman Returns, Halle gets killed for finding out something she shouldn’t have done and gets saved by … errr … cats. Perhaps they thought she had some milk on her. She then goes through a process of discovering the changes that the cats’ gift have wreaked. Now, think of the things a cat can do. Now think of the things a cat could do in Halle Berry’s body (remembering that cats have them out ALL THE TIME). So we have;

• Belligerent yet aloof attitude; check
• Ability to do that twisty thing cats do when you drop them from high places and land feet first; check
• Aversion to dogs; check
• Sudden cravings for tinned tuna and cream and catnip; check
• Groundbreaking skill and speed on the basketball court; errr…
• Mastery of Jujitsu; hold on, what the fuck is this? My cat scratches and bites, but I don’t recall the roundhouse kick being added to his abilities…

And did she even once lift her leg and lick her own anus? No she bloody did not.

Film did not improve from there.

Back in Honkers; Luggage lost (Cathay's / French fault), new digi camera almost (but not quite) lost (my fault, and Cathay's credit for finding it while I stood there sweating and shaking at the thought of the ear bending I'd get from Bubble for losing a second camera within 6 months).

Finally; Guy B was in Phuket, by the way, but is OK and should now be back in his stool in Carnage by 5 this evening. Apparently he was on his way to Pattaya for Christmas when he got a phone call from a mate in Phuket so turned around and headed there instead. Thankfully the waves appear to have been no match for the big man. He has sent me some pictures, which I’ll post when I can get to a connection fast enough to download them.

Bomber out