Bomber's beerspot - women and Beer, mix at your peril
so i've been thinking about that link D.P.Richard posted a couple of days back about Toi Senhauser's OPB or "Original Pussy Beer", which is claimed to be made with "trace amount of [her] vaginal yeast" with the aim that;" Experimentation with these historic staple foods, in combination with my own body, helps to build a new artistic dimension". Shockingly, I've come to the conclusion that I'm decidedly pissed off about the whole thing. Look; firstly it's a bird making beer, which - don't get me wrong - is a shit idea. I believe Kaiser Willhelm said "send me a woman who loves to drink beer and I will conquer the world." Well might that have been true, BUT was he further heard to opine, "better that she makes her own beer utilising not brewer's yeast, but her own fanny batter, then the whole universe would be ours"...? Well I don't recall that bit.
What next pisses me off about this is the whole americanism of the thing. a "trace amount of my vaginal yeast"? you might as well have said you spat in it. That is all so fucking American ... choose your words carefully ... don't want to be critisised for actually doing something or causing a health hazard bollocks that the whole fucking world is now sufferring from (but for which I blame the Americans, and more specificaly American lawyers, which most American presidents began as, for starting.) The point is to make beer, love, not to ponce around talking about how you put half a scaping off your flaps into a barrel and pretend that it makes it more than contaminated homebrew. If you want to do it right, go on; forget the brewer's yeast, get yourself a good infection and manufacture the lot yourself. THEN I'd accept you're talking about "a new artistic dimension". But your artist's PI policy probably wouldn't cover the fall out of actually getting someone sick now, would it.
Then there's the whole claim about women having "invented" beer; yeah, like that's, like, likely. "Toi" (stupid bloody name) states, "Somewhere between 7,000 to 4,000 B.C ... in Sumeria women invented beer". Well fuck me if she needs a whole 3,000 year window to place the invention of beer, but she still knows it was birds that did it. Well let me tell you, coz I had this out with another American the last Friday. God invented beer, bloody must have done. Look; we had this conversation which started by him asking "who do you reckon first brewed beer?" all friendly like. Then we got to talking about how it was possible to "accidentally" make alcohol from various fruits (ever tried filling a poof with sugar then hanging him from a tree for three weeks in the sun with a straw hanging out of his bum? Same process.) At no point in the converstaion was the use of Lady's Self Raising in the fermentation process mentioned. It became obvious though that, frankly, who would bother even trying this (making booze) with something as revolting looking as hops and barley? And if you did you'd just end up with a can of Gold label and the first taste would convince you to go back to hanging fruits. Makes no sense. Proof of Intelligent Design, I reckon. What else could explain it? God taught it to blokes. Blokes taught it to birds (possibly using sticks to help the learning process.) Birds spent 3,000 years making it for blokes in Sumeria, between bouts of having kids and what and finally they all moved to the UK and started Whitbread. Actually, it sounds like we gave up a good thing there, I suggest a return to the Old Ways. Henceforth all birds shall be forced to make beer for their menfolk (except mine, who hasn't enough time as she needs to earn money for our ski trip next Feb so she's exempt.) I looked this up on the wikipedia repository of all human knowlege, which supports my view. Any suggestion that I wrote any of that article is absurd.
Either way, tomorrow I'm making bread using my knob cheese instead of baking soda. I've been saving the scrapings for a while, but it takes a lot to fill four tea spoons so I need some doners. Any takers? This isn't art, I'm doing it to save money. Answers smeared on a postcard.
Bomber out.
<< Home